Although watching Netflix, taking walks, exercising, and video chatting with friends all bring us moments of happiness, they feel temporary—they are fleeting. At the end of the day, when we lay our heads down on the pillow, we are still stuck in our heads—ruminating negative thoughts, the argument with our partner, friend, or coworker we keep replaying in our head, our constant self-judgment “you’re not enough” conversation that we have back and forth, fear, and hopelessness. Then we wake up and do it all over again. Can you relate? The good news is that there is a simple practice that can help. Introspection and mindfulness (self-introspection) can increase your happiness permanently [1].
What Is the Correct Self Introspection Definition?
Before we move to explore how to increase self-introspection, the first thing we need is to find introspection’s meaning. Dictionary.com defines introspection as: [2]” Introspection is a thinking, analytical process. It is the deliberate process of reflection. We don’t do this because it isn’t easy and takes a lot of work! Many people are often caught in the state of reaction and ego and do not take the time to reflect. They are clouded by emotions and can’t see things clearly. For introspection to be helpful and effective, it requires self-awareness, the ability to put aside the ego, and the need to be “right.” Let me share an example from one of my clients. Mandy has a long, stressful day working from home while juggling her kids’ distance learning, goes grocery shopping, and comes home and begins preparing dinner. As she’s helping the kids complete their homework while cooking dinner, her husband comes home and plops himself on the couch. He turns on the TV and begins laughing at the sitcom he’s watching. Mandy is a bit annoyed and wished her husband would help, but she holds her tongue knowing that he needs to unwind from his long day. After dinner, Mandy bathes the kids, reads them a book, and puts them to bed. She finally has a chance to sit down for the first time in hours and asks her husband if he could help clean up and do the dishes. He says, “I’ll do it later, honey.” A few hours later, the dishes are still not done, he’s still watching TV, and Mandy begins feeling irritated, angry, and resentful. After all, this seems to happen quite frequently. She mentions the dishes again, and he responds angrily and harshly, “I ALREADY told you, I will do it later.” Mandy gets angry and begins complaining about how she has to do everything around the house and that he never helps with the kids. It turns into a full-blown argument and she retreats to her bedroom, fuming. Mandy replays the argument repeatedly in her head and goes to bed stressed, angry, and in tears.
Introspection Alone Is Not Enough
Introspection uses a lot of “why” questions. “Why am I angry?” “Why do I feel this way?” with the well-intentioned goal of understanding one’s self. The problem with this is that it keeps us trapped in our perspective and sometimes, in the past. Introspection also has no clear direction of where it could go depending on what you’re looking at, how you’re looking, and where you’re looking. As my mentor and friend Dave Potter eloquently put the definition of introspection as: Introspection is the tool, the process—like in Dave’s analogy, it is the microscope. The slides (self, emotions, thoughts) keep changing. Another downfall of introspection is that it is very ego-focused and self-centered and often results in either:
1. Growing the ego and reinforcing the need to be “right”
In the previous example, Mandy can observe her emotions of anger and resentment and understand why she feels the way she does. She gathers evidence and past experiences and understands that this anger and resentment come from years of feeling this way. Examining her feelings and experiences further causes her to feel even more entitled to her feelings of anger.
2. Causes self-judgment, self-blame, and suppressing of emotions
Mandy can observe her emotions of anger and resentment and understand why she feels the way she does but feels bad. She tells herself, “I shouldn’t be angry,” “I overreacted,” “I was stressed and I took it out on him,” etc., and begins judging herself, blaming herself, and ends up feeling even worse. So, if introspection alone is not helpful, what else do we need? A touch of mindfulness (self-introspection)!
What Is Mindfulness?
There are many definitions of mindfulness, but I define it as non-judgemental, present moment awareness. Mindfulness opens our minds to observing our thoughts and feelings, acknowledging and accepting them without judgment. To put it more simply, it’s not about fixing or changing your thoughts or emotions, but about noticing and accepting them as is. So, how does this help exactly? Let me first start by saying that mindfulness is a practice, meaning it is not an innate, automatic behavior or process that we do. It is a practice—it takes practice. It is a learnable skill and doesn’t take much time at all. Mindfulness is the practice of bringing attention to the emotion that comes up, not identifying it as part of self, but simply noticing it and getting curious. When there is curiosity, there is no space for judgment. When there is no judgment, acceptance is much easier to follow. It’s a funny thing. When we are not so tied to our perspective and clouded by our emotions, it opens up a horizon of possibilities. We can see things as observers, remove ourselves from our identity of emotion and intense feeling, and take a step back. When we can do this, the emotion no longer holds us. Many research studies show that mindfulness meditation effectively reduces stress and can improve physical and mental health by positively changing the brain and biology[3]. Researchers reviewed over 200 studies of mindfulness among healthy people and found that mindfulness-based therapy was especially effective for reducing stress, anxiety, and depression. As someone diagnosed with “Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder” since high school with many trips to the ER and inpatient stays at a psych unit, I have not had another recurrent depressive episode since I began practicing mindfulness and meditation. It has saved my life, and I am truly grateful.
Five Ways to Practice Self-Introspection
Now that you have understood the concept of self-introspection meaning, you may be wondering, “Great! How do I do this?” As someone who may be new to self-introspection, there are some key points to keep in mind to set you up for success.
1. Set Up Your Ideal Environment
As I mentioned, “mindfulness is a practice,” and it takes practice. Think of it as the rehearsals before the big show, the basketball scrimmages, or batting cage practices before the big game. When we practice something, we progress and become prepared for “the big game or show,” which is your life. Although mindfulness doesn’t necessarily require sitting and meditating for 30 minutes daily, this helps train us to be still. When you are still, you are with yourself and your mind, and you can practice noticing the thoughts, the sounds, and the sensations. This requires a quiet space without distractions or stimulation where you can be alone and undisturbed. Some noises or sensations are unavoidable, but trying to meditate, self-reflect, or think about things while the kids are running around, the TV is blaring, or people are talking is not ideal. If you have kids or a family and it is difficult to have alone time, waking up 30 minutes earlier in the morning, sitting in the car, or even while in the shower is an option. You might have to get creative. If you have difficulty sitting, you could do a walking/moving meditation. If you feel stuck, being in nature and outdoors helps bring us back to stillness.
2. Journaling
Journaling is underrated. If you look at the most successful people in the world, thought leaders and entrepreneurs such as Oprah, Warren Buffett, Einstein, and many others, they all have this in common—they journal. Journaling has many benefits, including increasing awareness and improving memory, self-confidence, communication skills, and self-expression. It also helps us keep organized, on track, and motivated. What I love most about journaling is going back and seeing where I was just one year ago, what I was going through, the challenges, the learnings, and fast-forwarding to now—celebrating how much I’ve grown. As one of my mentors, Ben Hardy, said, Here are some helpful tips and ideas:
Free write any thoughts, emotions, or feelings that come up. Keep writing for one to two pages—just a free-flow stream of consciousness, not allowing yourself to think. The first few paragraphs will be very conscious, but continuing to write another two pages nonstop allows the unconscious to come through. It will surprise you what you’ll find. Try writing from a 3rd person’s perspective if you are going through a tough time and cannot separate yourself from the situation or feelings (staying stuck in your story). This allows for more openness and perspective. Use your journal as your to-do list for the day. Set goals and outcomes for the day. Set an intention for the day. Journal your wins. Write down the things you are most proud of accomplishing. We tend not to celebrate our wins and quickly look for the next big thing. Stop. Take a step back and celebrate your daily or weekly wins. You deserve some acknowledgment, don’t you? Journal on grateful moments. There are many things to be grateful for, but we often write them down as a list. This is slightly different and a slight deviation, but I like to journal “gratitude moments.” It’s a moment when you can close your eyes and re-experience it. For example, the moments when I’m outside sitting on my patio drinking my coffee, feeling the sun’s warmth on my face. Take the time to engage in that positivity and all the feelings accompanying it.
3. Use Positive Words and Phrases
We often identify with our feelings as if our feelings are who we are. We say things like “I am angry,” which keeps us identified with the emotion of anger, making it difficult to let go. We are not the emotions we experience; instead, we are the experiencer of our emotions. Although we understand this in concept, our language and the words we use perpetuates the identification of the emotion. As a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), I believe that language and words affect how we experience the world. So, although we know that we are not our emotions, we speak as if we are—”I am angry.” Case in point. If we want to use language congruent with our beliefs that we are not our emotions and common mindfulness practice, we can use phrases such as “I notice that I am experiencing anger.” This allows for almost a third-person perspective and disconnects you from the emotion.
4. Ask Yourself Empowering Questions
Making a slight change to asking yourself questions while practicing self-introspection makes a difference. Instead of asking yourself “why” questions, ask “what” questions. Instead of asking, “why do I feel so angry?” ask, “what is that I am feeling?” “What do I notice?” “What is it exactly that I am upset about?” See how that opens up possibilities? Asking “why” questions also has an underlying sense of judgment. Imagine if your child accidentally broke a vase, your automatic response might be, “Why did you do that?” The child doesn’t know what happened but knows you are angry and starts crying. Instead, if you asked, “What happened here?” they might be able to explain that the ball bounced and accidentally hit the vase. Asking “what” questions opens the possibility for understanding, empathy, and compassion at a deeper level.
5. Focus on the Good for Just a Little Longer
A relationship psychology study by John Gottman of the University of Washington found that it takes at least five positive interactions to make up for just one negative one [4]. This means that negative interactions or thoughts generally have five times the impact than positive ones. Well, this is bad news. Rick Hanson, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, has a saying: By ruminating on the negative, we strengthen the neural pathways for negativity and tend to see the world in this light. I bet you know these people in your life—the “Debbie Downers” and people who are always complaining, negative, pessimistic, and down about the world. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can almost counteract this by simply taking in the good for a little longer. We can change the neurotransmitters in our brains to look for good things. Rick Hanson says, I had the honor of interviewing Rick on this technique specifically to increase happiness. You can watch it below. And this is how we can begin to rewire our brains for positivity, joy, gratitude, and becoming happier people.
Final Thoughts
Introspection does not come naturally. Even with a great mindset and a positive attitude, introspection can still be difficult. For introspection to be effective, it requires mindfulness and awareness. If you follow the points in this article, it will give you a great place to start. From there, it is just practice. The combination of both introspection and mindfulness (or self-introspection) is the perfect recipe for creating lasting happiness—no matter the circumstances. Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez via unsplash.com
